What I do

The Battle of 'Who am I?' in a world of expectations and social norms.

 

PROVING.

I've had an interest in self development since I was young, realising I battled with 'Who I am?' for many years. I had become defined by the external world around me with an innate desire to to fit in, to be liked and have a sense of belonging - I even danced how others danced. I abandoned many parts of myself, which manifested as a drivenness to prove I was 'Someone' not making time to fully explore what Fiona liked and enjoyed. I had created a subconscious manual of beliefs, behaviours, and conditions of how I had to, needed to, and should be in order to feel safe, accepted, liked and loved. 

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THE HAMSTER WHEEL.

Eventually on a hamster wheel, the perpetual cycles of melt downs particularly in my relationships, 'that's normal' most would say, but something inside me was saying "What's normal about pretending to be ok, not using my voice and, not been able to ask for help/support?" That with the high expectations of what I should get done in a day, that famous to-do list, you know the never ending one, as I crossed something off I would add at least another one. Oh and then the constant apparently helpful reminders on my phone. I joke now but it wasn’t funny then in fact my ability to see humour in anything was gone, especially in my relationships that playful banter was taken personally and perceived as making me wrong. It was like having a breaking down without the break through!

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Telling friends gave me temporary relief from the weight of the world I was carrying on my shoulders, giving the illusion of it been gone, along with the sayings  'That’s life!' and 'It’s just the way it is!' Of course it would inevitably loop back around and return. Then that one time I never told a friend, instead it was written out waiting for me to see, those repeating cycles were now right there in front of me and they were not serving me. The story-telling beliefs of the voice inside me, playing out and squishing any chance of living truly happy and freely, never mind leaving a legacy! 

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The realisation I was trapped in a constant loop with the story of 'my day is never done' always focussed on what I hadn't done rather than what I had done. Along with the constant pressure and responsibility of 'Does anyone else need me?', whilst trying to be in 3 places at once (in my reality I was diluting the quality of all that I was giving). I became aware and noticed the battle of the 'persistent voices' in my head. The push force to get things done, often creating procrastination that led to more overwhelm at what needed to be done. That demand of myself, meant I was not making time for myself or to have fun, creating judgement and resentment towards my partner doing what they want.

 

"I AM DONE" - BREAKDOWN. 

As things around me were going 'wrong', physically, mentally, emotionally I was done, my soul (intuitive self) was shouting at me "THIS IS NOT NORMAL" My body screaming at me, through inflammation and pain, the voices in my head were chaotic and never gone. Cracks were showing in my unbound strength to keep my 'shit together' and 'pretend to be ok'. 

THE ONLY WAY IS THROUGH.

I tried every way around, under, over, sideways and behind, even though the cycles did get longer nothing worked, I was still daily compromising myself. As soon as I said YES to myself the BREAK THROUGHS came thick and fast. First, I explored and revealed why I was always keeping busy, the distraction to not really knowing who I was without being needed and not worthy of doing what I wanted for myself and the life I really wanted to be living. Getting clear on why I was always trying to over-plan, controlling things, making everything look perfect was the most freeing revelations I have undergone. 

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Now years on from my "I AM DONE" I have released many beliefs, behaviours and conditions that were not serving me, preventing me from living FREELY in my mind, body and life, so much so I now inspire and guide others to do the same.

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This is my perception and truth from the time as I recollect it, your experience, perception and truth may be different and that’s ok. I believe it’s time for people to be accepted as they are, rather than being defined by what they do, how much they do, what they have or don’t have and what they look like. After all we are all doing the best we can with what we have.

 

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IT'S TIME TO RISE TOGETHER FREE OF GUILT, BLAME AND SHAME!

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"YOU WERE BORN AN ORIGINAL DON'T DIE A COPY"

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John Mason​